NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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