My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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