i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
