3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
