so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i came on her dog
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
