i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
