Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
