using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
