Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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