when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
