I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
