I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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