So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
