he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
