Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
