dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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