well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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