I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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