Your mouth is God's brothel.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Randomize
