ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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