i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
