i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
