There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
