Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
