She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Randomize
