Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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