I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He is an equal opportunity slut.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
