I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
