i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
