And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
