If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
