ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
