Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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