If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
