I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
