How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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