I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
