I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
