I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
