What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
