Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
worst night to have a conscience
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
