I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
