Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
