Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Randomize
