I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
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