I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My balls are so social today.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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