meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
