i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
