why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
