Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
