I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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